


Alone Again

by sonofapollo



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Gen, I really am, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad, Suicide Attempt, dunno yet, im sorry, intrusive thoughts are the cause of this, might have a second part??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 09:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6951247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofapollo/pseuds/sonofapollo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the people you least expect that make you feel complete. It's the people you never even imagined to be your other half. It's the people you never think of that make you feel like you're at home. </p><p>But, sadly, just like you never expected them to come into your life and change it all, you never expect them to leave that way either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone Again

**Author's Note:**

> this is really shitty but whatever! hope you guys enjoy! (idk if to make a second part to this, but i most prolly will...)
> 
> *warning: mentions of suicide/attempted suicide

Ever felt like everything just comes crashing down onto you? When reality and life just come in and decide that you're just not as sad as they want you to be? As depressed, as miserable? That's how I feel right now, and everyone asking about it, doesn't make anything better.

I'm glad fans still care about me, I truly am, but as the questions keep coming, I feel as if they're trying to rub it in my face. Testing me to see what I will say and how I will react.

To be honest, I didn't want to believe it at first, but as the minutes kept passing and more pictures kept coming and the more I stared at a picture of Brendon and his new lover--now his wife--Sarah, I got myself to accept that this is the inevitable truth and reality. That this is true; not photoshop, not some weird hallucination. It's real. It's very much real.

And it hurts.

It hurts so much to know that this is true, that this is reality. It hurts so goddamn much. What's worse...is that I can't do anything about it. I can't change it, I can't say anything about it, I can't do anything.

Everyone has told me that as long as the person you love is happy, you should be happy too, even if you're not their beloved one. But I don't see it that way. I see this as torture for me, and I feel angered and disgusted at the fact that I still love him. I still love this bastard too much, and here he is; loving someone else who isn't me. Marrying someone else who isn't me.

I clench my fists, and slam my laptop shut. I set it on the small coffee table in front of me, and bring my knees up to my chest, burying my face between them. I didn't know I was crying until I felt the wetness of the tears on my knee. I suck in a deep breath.

I feel so many things right now; emotions that aren't possibly good. I feels resentment, anger, disgust, sadness...And all because of that bastard.

It hurts me seeing how happy he is with her, when he used to look so much happier with me. He used to smile so widely for me. He used to always be there for me. He used to always be the one to tell me "I love you", and kiss me goodnight. He used to be the one to lie with me, and hold me close and tight, as if I were to disappear at any given moment, at night. Now, the one that did all those things was sheer darkness and the cold that I'm always feeling somehow.

Maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I wasn't even worth it at all. And yet, he was still with me...for much longer than he has been with that Sarah girl.

Then why? Why did he have to leave me that way? He said that I'd always be in his heart, that he'd never leave me, that he'd always be there for me, that he'd always love me. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? I don't know what I did that would ever make him leave me like that.

I didn't want to leave the band. I loved the band. I love being in Panic! At The Disco; it wasn't honestly the best thing to ever happen to me. He made me leave.

And now everyone was leaving him. Yet, the one person who'd never leave his side is Sarah. He even wrote a fucking song about her, for God's sake. He'd never done that for me...After everything.

I never even expected for us to get together. To be honest, I never liked Brendon, until we started spending more time together. It was friendship that developed into something more. Something that I never regretted before, but now do strongly.

I grabbed my laptop, opened it, and entered Twitter again. Tears were still streaming down my face as I typed, and I probably looked like even more shit now than I did before. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but that was seemingly a promise to be broken.  I hit the enter key and stared at my latest tweet. "I hope you're happy. I hope you get to love her as much as you loved me." I don't regret it one bit.

I closed the laptop again, and stood up from the couch. I walked to my room, where I was alone once again, like always...Where everything was silent, in a non-pleasing way. It was the type of silence that made you think more than you should, and that's when I had had enough...

☹

I don't how it came to this or how it happened, but the blood covering my arms, legs, and overall body, gave me an idea. The water, now red, warm, and as thick as the blood seeping down deep cuts that will probably have their effect soon, filled the tub where I sat, stark naked.

In my mouth, there was a familiar metallic taste mixed with the saltiness of my tears. I haven't stopped crying; I was practically bawling my eyes out now. And nothing was stopping me.

Not even the sudden haziness and my nearing delirium; not even the slow, weak pounding of my heart that once used to be quick and strong. I was goner, because I went far too deep, and got myself into this horrible mess, where I couldn't possibly be saved.

And yet, what I felt for Brendon never faltered. I guess I will end up dying still loving him. Now that, was an inevitable reality that I had to face once again.

Closing my now tired eyes, I felt myself drifting off. Even when that one all too familiar voice yelled my name, I couldn't help but let myself go into the deep slumber that was awaiting me. Darkness was what kept me company, and it will again in death. I'll be alone again.

Even with Brendon's arms wrapped around me in this state, I will be alone again.


End file.
